Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
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Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
The Compass
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…