Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
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Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??