“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
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Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
This is enough internet for the day.
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.