British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
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I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
Baller is short for ballerina
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.