idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate