What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
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My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Who.
Did.
This?
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut