Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
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[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
there has never been a better use of this meme
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.