Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
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literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
[Contract Law]
BOSS: for example when you go into a store and buy a banjo for $200 you’re entering into a contract
ME: so there’s strings attached?
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”