Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You Might Also Like
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
🤣dope
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
My inexpensive home security system…
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.