I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
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There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
I’m not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto