My mother’s maiden name is Password.
You Might Also Like
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Me: What’d you do this weekend?
Her: I got a henna tattoo.
Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
sleeping beauty
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”