[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
You Might Also Like
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no