My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
what are they serving at kfc then???
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what