Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
You Might Also Like
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam