I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
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doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.