DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
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Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.