Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
You Might Also Like
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Note to self: always read the final line
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG