Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
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I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
I’ve lost more friends to Candy Crush than Crystal Meth.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
[Describing the adjective thief to a sketch artist]
Sketch Artist: Can you describe what he looked like?
Me: Not anymore I can’t
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.