Do not go gentle into that good night,
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Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…