4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
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[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
Mistakes were made
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Some lady brought a gaggle of pre-teens to the movie, sat them down next to us & then sat elsewhere.
I sold them all on the black market.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?