So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
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[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.