ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
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Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Me :
All Day At Night
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Greeting humans vs their dogs
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts