Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
me doing my best
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
God said, “Thou shall not kill”
And then he wiped out the entire
human race with a global flood just
because people didn’t take it
seriously
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days