A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
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Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.