Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
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When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
you gotta be faster
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist