Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
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Give a baker flours on your first date.
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Me as a therapist: omg same
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Sell your car
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.