I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
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My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face