I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
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People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon