[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
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HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me