*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?