Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
This pepper has seen some shit
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Me: [frog emoji]
Him: [turtle]
Me: [monkey]
Him: [pig]
Me: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT?
Him: What? No! Here [dog]
Me: GREAT SO NOW I’M A BITCH?
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
Your wife is beautiful, is she single?
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?