Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
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When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
do horses think humans are hats
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.