A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
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I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Terribly Tuesday.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
I identify as an antique shop.