You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
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Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.
Me: Awww.
Date: *leans in for a kiss*
Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.