An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
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[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Mario: YAHOO!! *throws banana peel at another cart, eats a mushroom*
Me: This. This is why I don’t take you grocery shopping.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.