Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Meat Cute
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
If I text you “🤔🥺😏🤦♂️😭😥🤨😔😘😔😏🤦♂️😏🤦♂️😉🤦♂️😘😊🏆🙄🤔🙄😏😔❤️💁🤨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.