Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
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45.01~ gas pumps
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂