I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
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Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Breaking news:
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
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