Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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Left at a local drug store…
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
My ideal weight is five million dollars
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.