doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
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I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
Overheard This Weekend
Boy: Babe comes over to my place.
Gal: what do you want us to do?
Boy: Just to chill
Gal: I don’t chill. That’s how people end up with chill-dren!
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
when dads have a rap battle
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.