Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
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89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]