[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
You Might Also Like
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
All excellent questions
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
🙄😏😂🤣
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
i think we should see other cousins
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment