her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
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Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
If you don’t have a dog whistle, you can use two teenage girls who have not seen each other in forever.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.