funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”