Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
You Might Also Like
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
plums roundup
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
But that’s none of my business