ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
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My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
That’s enough internet for the day
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.