I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
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Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.