I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
You Might Also Like
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
This rocks
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
[being buttered]
Me: are you sure about this
Murderer: [stops buttering] you know what I brought the wrong knife
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off