That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
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To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.