If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
You Might Also Like
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?